2.8.2020 - week 41
on listening and anger
recently, i preached on james 1:19-20
know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of god.
this message was life-changing for me. being forced to really reckon with the realities of this concept rearranged a lot of my thinking. here’s 9 insights i gained…
quick to hear
1. keep hearing to make sure you understand
just because you think you understand doesn’t mean you do. active listening requires trying to understand the words being said and the heart behind them. asking clarifying questions and quietly pondering their answers is being quick to hear.
2. understand to adjust your perspective
you aren’t truly listening unless you are willing to adjust your perspective. no one sees the past or present with crystal clarity and 98% of life is gray nuance anyway. if your only purpose in conversation is to close a sale with your viewpoint, you aren’t actually ever listening.
3. understand without rushing the other person
true listening isn’t efficient. especially for alpha personalities. often i am able to finish someone else’s paragraph more clearly than they can. but that tendency fundamentally misunderstands the core purpose of conversation is connection, not information exchange. sometimes letting someone waste a few minutes belaboring a long clear point is a necessary part of loving them.
slow to speak
4. sometimes my rush to make point keeps me from making a difference.
conversation is not combat. common ground creates more good than cable news style pugilism. two people who cared enough to pause and understand the other have a better chance of agreeing than two people who traded blows with perfectly sharpened facts.
5. sometimes my tone says more than my words
christians are really good at saying the right words, but sometimes their tone betrays their heart. like an elementary school age boy sighing while he growls ‘SORRY!’ before stalking away, if our tone is aggressive or harsh, our words can be gracious and still not come close to solving the issue.
6. sometimes my need to respond diminishes my message
all conversations eventually end. and being willing to let someone else have the last word is often loving. the need to get the last word in or to have my perspective heard another time is a very bad habit. letting someone tell you something hard to hear and saying ‘thank you for expressing yourself’ or ‘can i have a little time to think about that?’ is often more loving than any response (including an apology) that you can give.
slow to get angry
7. is my anger useful or performative?
our culture is filled with virtue signaling anger. that is, getting angry in order to get plaudits from other people for the right-ness (notice i didn’t say righteousness) of your fury. social media has proven a wonderful stage for people to harm relationships in order to receive plaudits for their performance. SEE HOW MAD I AM!!! yes we do, and it’s only making things worse.
8. am i sure my anger isn’t over inconvenience or preference or projection?
often what we perceive as righteous anger is actually just our flesh reacting to things going different than we want. just because she wore a bathing suit you wouldn’t wear doesn’t mean she’s ungodly. just because traffic exists at this moment, doesn’t mean anyone sinned. your boss’s comments may not actually be that mad, they may just have reminded you of how hurt you were by your uncle.
9. will this reaction help or am i just venting?
if what you are feeling can’t help the person who frustrated you, best just to leave it unexpressed.
KG Korner
(a few wise words from lady kristen macdonald)
Within the last week we have celebrated two birthdays in our household! Carter turned 11 and Graham turned 7! First of all, how did that happen(?!) and second of all, I love celebrating how God made those I love! It’s amazing to see the difference in one year when kids are growing up - last year Graham had no front teeth and this year he’s got two you can’t miss. Carter’s shoe size has jumped to men’s and he’s begun the stage of ‘eating me out of house and home!’ Although they are brothers you can’t miss their individual identities - one is more curious, one more willing to laugh at himself and make others laugh. Their size and hair color are different but they share crystal blue eyes yet one has a freckle on the tip of his bottom eyelid - two brothers growing up in the same home as completely different individuals.
Which leads me to this: I would say one thing that we get confused about all too often is identity. I am not what I do for work even though that is part of who I am. However, when we lose our job or our surroundings or circumstances change we feel like we have lost part of who we are. But we must not allow those feelings (no matter how difficult they are) to lead us, instead we/ I (!!!!) need to remind ourselves who we are in Christ because ONLY the identity that He has given us cannot be altered.
I love John 1:12 so much I have recently memorized it! It says, “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” So let’s just start there, if you have believed and received Jesus Christ for salvation you are his child. If you have been a Christian for a long time the reality and weight of that may have lost its significance. Just like I know the idiosyncrasies of my birthday boys he knows you even more - even before a thought comes to your mind he knows what it is - and he loves you. Let that sink in for a minute. And because you are his child you are bestowed this beautiful identity which is so rich!
You are Known. (Jeremiah 12:3, John 10:27, 1 Corinthians 13:12)
You are Loved. (Isaiah 54:10, John 3:16, Romans 5:8 & 8:37-39, 1 John 4:9-11)
You are Useful. (2 Corinthians 5:20, Galatians 6:10, 2 Timothy 2:21)
You are Redeemed. (Psalm 103:4, Psalm 107: 2, Isaiah 43:1, 1 Peter 1:3-5, Ephesians 1:7)
You are Forgiven. (Isaiah 1:18, Matthew 6:14-15, Acts 3:19-20, Ephesians 4:32, 1 John 1:9)
You are Precious. (Luke 12:24, 1 Peter 3:4)
You are Seen. (Job 34:21, Proverbs 15:3, Jeremiah 32:19)
You are Chosen. (John 15:16, Romans 8:29-30, Ephesians 1:4-5, 1 Peter 2:9)
You are Free. (John 8:36, 2 Corinthians 3:17, Galatians 5:1)
You are an Heir. (Romans 8:17, Galatians 3:29, Titus 3:7, Hebrews 9:15, 1 Peter 1:3-4)
You are a New Creation. (Isaiah 43:18-19, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Colossians 3:9-10)
You are His. (psalm 139, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, 1 John 3:1)
This is by no means an exhaustive list of who you are in Christ, but I would love for you to look up these verses, mark them in your bible and maybe like me, you need to look over this list daily, write it in the front of your Bible so that you stop believing the lie that that you are something other than what He says you are.
cup of leadership
(adapted from 12.11.2018)
the easiest way to avoid embarrassment is to avoid a big swing. if we never lean all the way in, we can always shrug it off like ‘i didn’t really care anyway.’ fully putting yourself out there takes guts. if they don’t laugh or don’t show up or don’t give, you will have to face failure. and others knowing you failed. and christians moralizing why you failed. and feeling shame or pity or worst of all the condescending smug of a keyboard cop. this reality is why sincerity is out of style. why bono is so easy to mock. why the west wing feels so antiquated. why self-mockery is somehow the only the critical ingredient of culture (i.e. nathan finochio) if you never are complete serious, than you are never completed exposed to the feeling of failure we so desperately want to avoid.
book review
how to fight presidents – daniel o’brien
this book was a delight. the premise is that the author is educating you in how to beat each individual president in a fight, if that situation arose. it’s a genius little construct to learn some history. the language is suspect in places for sure, so buyer beware . as a lifelong lover of history, i feel like i learned a bunch of new things. i genuinely laughed out loud dozens of times. highly recommended if you are looking for a fun, light read.
content this week
in episode 2 of welcome to the war, bishop ulmer + i discuss politics and pastors and the pressures in african-american church. he also reflects on the differences between how president obama and president trump were treated by the opposing party. very timely and worth listening to.
the complete message on being quick to hear / slow to speak / slow to get angry is on podcast and on youtube.
verse of the week
for judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. mercy triumphs over judgment.
james 2:12-13
2 (or 3) pieces of good news I saw this week
1. last year, i was riveted by this story of the mcdonald’s monopoly game being rigged in the 90’s. just a fascinating story, watched the documentary this week and i gotta say, i would be shocked if you didn’t love it. the first episode was tremendous.
2. if you are looking for some new music, my 2020 playlist is up and going. adding a few new tunes each week.
3. my dear friends jon + valerie guerra have a new video out, it’s in their power zone, i think you will love it.